To all my readers with anxiety just looking to find their soul mate,
I have read countless of articles about anxiety and the diary confessions people share about their anxiety but not many have touched upon the fact that anxiety doesn’t just affect you and your self-esteem, it also affects the people around you.
So here is my quick boring diary confession that brought me to this conclusion…
I have anxiety. Yes, many people do and just like many people I suffer from the ever growing OCD habits, moments of depression, suicidal thoughts at times, anger issues, and ADHD. I’ve been dealing with these things since the age of 4 when I began shaking and throwing up anytime I was around family member who were fighting with one another. But it didn’t really dawn on me until recently that my actions have really affected the people that I love the most.
My best friend and I have been fighting A LOT recently and with the fighting he confessed something to me that I didn’t even know that he was feeling, he said to me “when I’m with you it’s like walking on egg shells, I never know when you’re going to crack.”
There are times where we’ve gone out to parties and I start to have an anxiety attack- full on shaking, nauseousness, and sweaty palms because being in a new environment causes me to think only THE WORST thoughts, to the point where I’ve left my friends high and dry because I couldn’t handle it anymore.
I began to realize that this was not the first time I’ve heard this…my ex said the same thing to me when we broke up. This is actually so embarrassing to admit because I’ve never actually allowed myself to say it out loud or even on paper, but it’s the truth and it’s something I can guarantee everyone else who suffers from anxiety is going through too.
Anxiety can ruin relationships. But how can I fix how I am? Self-medicate so that I’m numb to everything around me? Changing who I am because someone else doesn’t like it? What is the solution here? …I really don’t know. I’m still working on that answer.
Type A, ADHD, always worrying, always planning is just who I am, I don’t know any different. I know that I can better myself with therapy and meditation because anxiety is not something I should be living with which is exactly what I’ve been doing-working on myself for the better. BUT I refuse to change myself for anyone else. I am always going to live with SOME SORT of anxiety.
I began to realize that if anyone that I really care about can’t handle my anxiety and help me through it then they really don’t care about me at all. It is the hard truth that left me in tears the other night after getting off the phone with my “best friend”… I have a sickness, I go through stages where I’m super depressed and my self-esteem is so low and I have to sit in a bathroom stall during work while I try to calm myself down from an anxiety attack, and if the people around me can’t handle this part of me then they don’t deserve to be my friend or boyfriend.
Some maybe thinking, why is she so self-centered- right? When you think of an addict, how do you handle being around them? You don’t feed into their abuse, you help them through it. You don’t knock them down for how they are you try to help them back up, right? It should be the same for people suffering any other type of issue. Why am I going to go out of my way to be understanding when you’re going through a rough time but when I can’t handle being out with other people for a night it gets slammed in my face? Think about…really think about it…