So as I sit here on the beautiful Friday night alone in bed just finishing up watching the movie, "The Duff" I have a lot on my mind that I need to share...

Incase you've never seen the movie or didn't know what this meant in high school, DUFF stands for Designated Ugly Fat Friend. Now, if you're sitting there thinking "OMG that's awful!" Please stop lying to yourself, we've all had one. 

The kicker here is that yes, I was that girl in high school. 

I spent 3 out of the 4 years of high school hiding behind everyone. I was shy, I went through some strange late bloomer emo stage and I just wasn't that pretty. But finally in my senior year I built up enough courage to make new friends and pretty myself up a little. How you ask? Well I literally had ragers at my house where the cops got called anddd well the rest was history. I was kinda "cool".  I befriended someone who was one of the prettiest girls in the school, cheer captain and of course had back to back jock boyfriends. [FYI as I'm writing this I'm realizing more and more how cliche and dumb AF this sounds but I swear it's all true.]

I became her wing girl. She'd go on double dates and bring me as her DUFF.  

How do I know this? Because I'm a "thick" kinda pretty girl. She's a model. I'm the shy laidback type. She's the cheer captain .....CUE THE TAYLOR SWIFT SONG

Anyway, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm laying out all of my dirty laundry for people to read but I have a purpose for this. I watched my friend get guy after guy while I was maybe at best 3rd or 4th choice. When does the DUFF get the guy?!  

I'm about to be 23 years old and I can confidently say that I have not dated anyone who has made me 100% happy. How f{%{^ing sad!!!! How many mediocre dates do I have to go on to finally either give up completly or give into a mediocre guy?  

For anyone whose taken this journey with me the past year you know that I've stepped out of my comfort zone, grew some balls and went on some dates- but none were great. None. 

I swipe right to only the semi good looking guys, because I know I have a better chance with them. What happens when I actually meet them? I find out that their personalities are great but I'm not even the slightest bit attracted to them.  

I don't think I know differently. Does this mean I have low self esteem? Does this mean my standards are too high? Am I just going to be alone forever unless I force myself to be attracted to someone who has half the package I'm looking for?  

I cannot begin to explain how sad this gets me. Yes, I do think about this a lot because it bothers me. And no, it's not a pitty party it's me being the control freak that I am wanting to plan the exact year and month I get engaged and married and start a family but times a tickin so I'm freakin out!! I see high school sweethearts still together and people who met in college still together and I've missed both of those marks...I'm at like a 30% chance I'll ever find someone at this point and that is not calming!! 

Wtf is a DUFF to do....