I can’t really explain how I’m feeling. I’ve been pretty transparent on how I feel when it comes to dating and everything I’ve gone through in the past couple of years. But I guess I never really thought it would get to this point. I never really thought that one day my whole life would change. I talk about it a lot. Moving on, finally living my life in New York, leaving everything behind. Finally being happy. What I didn’t realize was how sad I would be when that day came.
It’s hard to accept happiness when you’ve been sad for so long. Just like it’s hard to hear someone call you beautiful when you’ve been called a fat cunt for years. I’m not good with change, even if it means leaving toxicity. I left a relationship that was hurting me mentally and emotionally and soon I’ll be leaving a home that’s caused me so much pain. So so much pain. But why do I feel guilty? Why am I sad? Why does change make people sad? Why am I sitting here writing this with tears streaming down my face at a loss of how to answer these questions? …
I think you get so used to something that even though you complain about it, you begin to get comfortable with what you’re given. The toxic becomes normal. I don’t think I realized how much I struggled with this until the past couple of months.
Here’s what I really need to say:
If you are in a toxic situation, get out as soon as possible. It’s the absolute hardest thing to do, but it’s the only thing that’d going to save your mental health. Yes, I’m really sad right now even though I’ve found someone who I love and I’ve finally found the chance to get away from my mother- but that’s because I’m in shock. I never knew this day would ever come. For a long time I thought I’d be stuck in a relationship having them look down on me, calling me fat and ugly and that I’m not good enough for the rest of my life. I thought I’d have to take care of my mother for the rest of my life. I thought – this is what I deserve. But I don’t. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. There will always be some light at the end of possibly a very long tunnel.