The past couple of weeks have been rough. My ex and I broke things off…again…for like the 4th or 5th time within the past 4 years. I think this time it didn’t hit me as hard because I’m just so used to it. Like he’s so predictable that I know when the storms coming. But that’s not why I’m writing this.
Every time we “break up” I go on my slutty rampage just to feel somewhat happy and to distract myself from going down a black hole of sadness. So this time as usual, I have my friends telling me to slut it up. Go out and have fun, make out with all the boys, do whatever you want because you can. But this time I just don’t feel that way. This time, I kinda just feel like I really just want to find a nice guy and settle down.
What they don’t tell you about being single is that even if you have fun and hook up, at the end of the night, you don’t have anyone to cuddle with- no one to be silly around, no one who can just get you. And you especially don’t have someone who you can feel comfortable around when you’re hooking up (maybe just me but I get super self-conscious around new people LOL).
That’s why I always go back to my ex, right? Because he fills that void until he doesn’t. Until I realize things haven’t changed and he doesn’t actually want to settle.
You know I never thought I’d ever want to settle down. I’ve always known that I’m going to continue to commit my heart to my job and I won’t need anything else, but the reality is that it gets lonely fucking fast. Of course I have my friends, but it’s not the same.
I went to Vegas last weekend and in the middle of partying with my two gay best friends who are happily in love, I ran out and broke down.
I had a full on panic attack at a Vegas pool party. And then I had the same panic attack this past weekend at a friend’s party.
It’s hard being around happy couples when you’re single. Because you want what they have so bad and you’re not sure if you’ll ever find it. Yes, I know this sounds selfish, but I promise it’s not- I am SO happy for my friends who have found someone, but sometimes being left out sucks. I actually had a couple of my friends recently tell me, “don’t settle down” and I thought- I’d rather fight for something I loved and try my hardest despite any rough edges, because all relationships are going to be hard. Love isn’t easy. But I’m willing to accept that, like I have the past 4 years, but sometimes it’s just not enough. Some people take love for granted.
It’s hard to write this without tearing up. Because I’m in my bed, with my million stuffed animals that were my dogs, my knees are propped up because they’re fucked up and I have a heating pad on my back like I’m 65 years old – ALONE. My biggest fear in life is being alone. I don’t know how I’d go on if I had no purpose.
Anyway, I’ve gotten really off topic lol. What I’ve realized is that anyone who I’ve talked to in these past 2 weeks has told me to live my life and enjoy being single. Enjoy the hookups and enjoy the choice of men. But hat they don’t tell you is that after you fuck whoever you wanna fuck, you go home alone.
I’m done going home alone. I want real love.